I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My vagina is very pro this idea
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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