babies were throwing up all over the place
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
