Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
