its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
