I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Never underestimate the power of titties
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
