They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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