Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
