Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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