She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
