i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Randomize
