Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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