I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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