im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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