you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
