dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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