I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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