They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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