mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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