I'm lost and stupid without you.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
