I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
