Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
