Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
