she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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