just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
