just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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