Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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