Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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