I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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