He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
