I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
