glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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