I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
