when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm like, not good at living.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
