OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
