Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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