I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
