My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
What a dumb baby whore.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
