Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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