Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
