so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
