I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I fill condoms, not promises.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize