Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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