I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
