I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize