I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
