Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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