just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize