I think my fart just growled at me.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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