I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
