Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize