Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
