can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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