I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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