if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Randomize
