3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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