i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
