I wish my penis had an off switch
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
