I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
